Profoundly Vulnerable

Sunday night my daughter Lily died, I was sure of it. And then she came back to life, acting as if nothing had happened. But something big had just happened, even if it only affects Marnie and me. Here's what happened. Marnie, Lily and myself spending an afternoon at Sholam pool with Beth, Daniel and the three girls. We were having a great time. Natalie and Analise were sharks, chasing me with open mouths ("Uncle Dan, I eat you!"). We practiced walking and swimming with Lily, and she was doing great. And then Marnie holds Lily in her arms, while I chat with Beth. I look over and Marnie is on her back with Lily's head under the water. I jump towards them, pulling them up, while Marnie talks about having slipped. Lily gives one good cough, outing a good quantity of water, and then stops breathing. She starts turning purple in the face. I grab up Lily and start running towards a life-guard. I can't even think of any words to say, I'm just yelling, "Hey, hey, hey!" The lifeguard seems to take a lifetime to realize I'm trying to get his attention, though in reality it surely is only a couple seconds. He blows his whistle, grabs up Lily, who by this time has become limp, and continues to purple. I have a vague sense of other people, employees of Sholam, running to the scene, as the lifeguard gives Lily a look-over. Marnie is starting to sob- not cry, sob, as in "my life is utterly destroyed" kind of sobbing. The only other time I've heard that kind of sobbing was the night after Kristina died, where the Sewell family has their hands on Mike as he realizes his wife is gone forever, not coming back ever, never will see her again gone. At this moment, fully discolored, Lily's eyes roll back in her head, and I remember thinking the words "Oh my God, it's happening." I couldn't even come up with many words in my head. I'm hearing Marnie wracked with sorrow, I'm watching my little girl look as dead as I never could have pictured in my head, and I think to myself that this is real, that shit can actually happen to me, that I'll never hold this little girl and feel her squirm and listen to her chatter again. Further thoughts are stopped as my whole respiratory system seems to go in shock. It's like the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach, except to a whole new level. The lifeguard has been giving CPR to Lily for a little bit now, and then Lily starts to make some small noises. She's turned somewhat away from me, so I can't see her, but I hear others say that she's starting to cry again. Someone tells me to hold Lily, who is starting to look more her normal coloring. I barely understand that somehow, miraculously, she's going to survive, that despite what my eyes told me, Lily is not in fact dead. Someone tells me that I should come to the manager's office, that EMS is on its way to check Lily out. Part of my brain still hears Marnie sobbing uncontrollably, so I grab Beth's attention to make sure she understands that Marnie is now her responsibility. Of course, while I've been with Lily, Beth has already been taking care of Marnie, fully in shock, but I know that she will be taken care of. My mind is numb with what has happened, but I can breathe and move around. I go to the manager's office, where they again tell me the EMS is on its way. A friend of Daniel's named Kurt, whom I met earlier,comes by and offers me a chair to have a seat. He offers it twice, and while part of me knows I should sit, another part is now worried about Marnie. I don't know where she is or how she's doing. Lily is looking like nothing has happened, and so that's who I'm now thinking about. As I'm standing holding Lily, my extremities start to tingle and go very numb. I really should have sat down, but I still didn't see Marnie. Eventually she makes it over, and the EMS guys arrive, take Lily's pulse, and basically declare the state of emergency to have ended. Marnie has mostly calmed down now that she can see Lily, who is poking my wedding ring. Marnie starts sobbing again in the car as we are readying to leave. My mind is still numb. The tingling wouldn't go away until Tuesday. Since then, it's been as if the screen saver of my brain is that scene by the side of the pool, with the lifeguard holding a dead Lily. Anytime my mind isn't actively thinking of something else, it goes directly back to those moments. Everything that Lily does brings so much more joy, even hearing Lily fuss and cry just brings a small smile to my face. I've realized just how much a human can love. I don't think it's possible to truly understand how powerfully you love someone until you've seen them dead and your whole body rebels against reality, screaming, pleading for some end other than the inevitable. Dave Barry (of all people) wrote an essay on a similar experience with his son, and he stated how extremely vulnerable he felt. That's it exactly. As I stood watching Lily in the lifeguard's hands, I realized this. I realized that accidents can and do happen, that once it happens there is nothing you can do, and that it can totally destroy who you are. As I bathed Lily that night (it will be awhile before Marnie feels comfortable enough to do this) I was so scared of Lily choking on some bath water, or some other unforeseeable catastrophe. I was and am profoundly vulnerable, and am now made fully aware of the fact. Final thoughts. I need to try to not blame Marnie. The pool was slippery, there were strong waves that could take your feet out from under you. More importantly, Marnie needs, truly needs, to not feel any guilt about this occurrence; she needs to just be overjoyed at having her baby girl with her. Do I thank God for saving our girl? Was it truly a miracle that she came back to life, or just the good training and action of the lifeguard on duty? Marnie asked me this that night, and my answer is that I could not possibly ever know. What I believe to be true is that I would not have my daughter Lily if it weren't for God- she and I wouldn't exist, and hence I am very grateful to God that I get to hold Lily, play with her, hear her shriek with joy over a silly face, watch her poke a leaf to figure out how this world works. I find myself caring much less about anything in this world that does not include holding Lily close.